Rhymin' & Stealin'

With the constant flood of steroid allegations, perjury trials, congressional hearings, and spineless scapegoating directed at MLB ballplayers, I wanted to take a closer look at the phenomenon of “cheating”. Not just cheating in the sports realm, but cheating as a fundamental part of modern Western society. After more and more research, I found myself continually confounded by the same question: If cheating is engrained in our society, and sports are a microcosm of that same society, how can the public act so appalled with Alex Rodriguez, Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens et al?  The answer is simple. Humans are hypocrites.

“’Tis my opinion every man cheats in his own way, and he is only honest who is not discovered” – Susannah Centlivre

When I think of cheating, I think of shortcuts. Skipping steps to achieve the same result (or a better result) than someone who follows all the rules (like using the GameGenie). But is a baseball player who cycles steroids really taking a shortcut?

Let’s use A-Rod as an example. A-Rod has one of the most well documented work ethics in baseball. Steroids might have allowed him to work out harder/longer, but they didn’t get him up at 5:30am during the offseason, they didn’t help him follow his strict diet, they didn’t help his hand-eye coordination or benefit him in the slightest when he was studying countless hours of opposing pitchers. Robert Nishihara explores this further and talks about the relation of steroids to home runs, using Ted Williams as an example:

“A good hitter must identify a pitch to hit, know enough about the pitcher and the game situation to give himself the best chance to succeed, and put hands and hips into motion to drive the pitch. Nowhere does Williams mention that muscle mass aides in any of those critical elements. Williams, himself, of course, was rail-thin, and yet, he managed to crank out 521 career homers.”

“Sure, added muscle mass may increase the distance a player is able to hit a baseball, but what negative effect does that added mass have in altering the fluidity of the player’s swing and, thus, his ability to hit the ball in the first place? A popular baseball refrain cautions fast players who have deficiencies in the batter’s box that one cannot steal first base. Similarly, a power hitter cannot hit a home run if he cannot hit the ball. And hitting a baseball is a unique skill in the world of sports. It is a powerful act that does not require extraordinary muscle strength. Instead, it is primarily dependent on technique, reflexes, and hand-eye coordination, not brute strength. It is a correlation that so many people are failing to make these days.”

When I cheated on math tests in high school, I would program algorithms into my calculator, write equations on my hand or directly copy off the nerd beside me, allowing me to completely skip the hard work. Cheating is getting more for less, and one could argue that A-Rod’s cheating allowed him to get more for more. Steroids allowed him to do even more of the hard work, and their use only directly benefits a very small part of what makes a baseball player (and homerun hitter) great.

When you look outside of baseball, there are a myriad of examples of everyday cheating in the “real world”, examples where cheaters have been able to get more for less. Far less.

Students cheating on tests: With all of the pressures on modern students to achieve, achieve, achieve, cheating runs rampant in all facets of education. From copying off the kid beside you on your grade 9 Geography test to handing in a predominately-plagiarized paper for a University elective, everyone has (or knows) someone who has cheated in school at some point in their lives.

Men using Viagra: Sorry to all the 50-year-old men who have to pop blue pills to get wood, but you are blatant cheaters. Faced with pressure to perform, these dudes resort to pharmaceutical means, even though the potential side effects can be as destructive as prolonged steroid use. (Blindness, anyone?)

Women with breast implants: Sorry ladies, you aren’t immune. This one is pretty obvious. Some women are born with small breasts, feel inadequate due to societal pressures (and low self-esteem), buy some DD fun bags and next thing you know they have a starring role on Baywatch (or dance on stage at the Spearmint Rhino every night to “pay for college”). They might even have a pair that look and feel real (good call by the way), but they are still cheating. Just like I cheated Halloween 1998 by stuffing a pair of rolled-up socks in my tights to make my Hulk Hogan costume even better (bigger).

LASIK surgery: I’m guilty of this one too (and so is Tiger Woods). I was born with slightly inadequate eyes, so I let a Doc burn my retinas with a laser so I could play sports without Kurt Rambis goggles or contacts.

Caffeine/Nicotine: This is a big group; probably 90% of the Western world’s workforce relies on one of these drugs to make it through an average workday. If I didn’t have a coffee first thing in the morning after being out till 2am the night before, I would be at high risk of falling asleep at my desk (and eventually getting fired).  And in University, if I didn’t have nicotine and Red Bull by my side, I would never have been able to stay up late enough to finish the term papers I had procrastinated on. Without these two drugs, I would be pumping gas or selling shoes at the mall. Instead, I have a phenomenally awesome and creative job that challenges me everyday and affords me the opportunity to earn good money and travel. Thank God I’m a cheater.

It is quite obvious that many everyday people cheat, and lots of that cheating is made possible by science and/or drugs. Of course this also translates to baseball. But it translates to other sports as well. Shawne Merriman is a prime example. He got pinched for ‘roids, suspended for four games, and was then named to the Pro Bowl that SAME season. He missed four games that season due to proven steroid use, yet the NFL still decided to reward him. Not only is this incredibly hypocritical, it is downright idiotic. A football player has much more to gain from steroids than a baseball player.

Would an increase in aggression and occasional ‘roid rages help a linebacker?

Yup.

How about the ability to recover faster in a sport that is far more physically demanding than baseball?

Oh yeah.

Would the strength gains brought on by steroid use help in a game where players grow exponentially bigger, stronger and faster every decade?

Hell yes.

Merriman isn’t the only example. Terry Bradshaw did steroids back in the ‘70s, but no one has asked him to forfeit his Super Bowl rings. It might have cost him his hair, and it certainly didn’t make him any smarter, but he has escaped the court of public opinion virtually unscathed. Out of roughly 2500 former NFL players who recently participated in a confidential survey, 10% admitted to using steroids while playing. I don’t hear anyone clamoring for an asterisk wing in Canton, Ohio.

Hockey and basketball have remained untainted by steroid allegations, but what about the rest of the entertainment world? Is it only MLB, NFL and Olympic athletes who fall victim to the temptation of PEDs?

Not even close.

“The Wrestler” is a great movie, and showcases a brilliant performance by Mickey Rourke. But check the dude’s body in that movie, he’s a f’ing tank. And a 56-year-old tank to boot. If you believe he was able to get in that shape by doing yoga and eating egg whites, I’ve got some high-quality moon rocks to sell you. It’s not like Mick would be the first Hollywood star to dabble in the super juice.

Sly Stallone has made millions playing a muscled-out commando/boxer/arm wrestler and he got pinched with PEDs in Australia last year. The Governator has admitted to past steroid use, and all you have to do is watch Terminator or Conan and you will immediately have to wonder if he was juicing then. What about E Norton in “American History X”, or Christian Bale’s incredible transformation from “The Machinist” to “Batman”? If the media turns a blind eye to PEDs in Hollywood, how is it fair to rip apart lives in the world of sports?

“The moment you cheat for the sake of beauty, you know you’re an artist.” – David Hockney

PED use has been rampant in the arts for years. Artistic heroes such as Jim Morrison, Ernest Hemingway, Vincent Van Gogh, Dr. Dre, The Beatles, Hunter S. Thompson, Hector Berlioz, Stephen King, Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain and the Rolling Stones are just a few of the legendary artists who found inspiration in drugs and alcohol. However, these artists contributions to their respective fields is rarely if ever called into question, even though many of them created some of their most influential works while under the effects of various drugs.

Now that it has been established that cheating (and cheating by use of drugs) is prevalent in all aspects of modern society, let’s turn the focus back on baseball. The one thing I find most hypocritical about this modern steroid witch-hunt is the fact that cheating is probably more engrained in the fabric and culture of baseball than any other sport. Yet the media still climbs to the top of Mount Pious in order to rain shame down on these ballplayers, as if they have sullied the reputation of a virgin angel.

“If you know how to cheat, start now” – Earl Weaver

“No, we don’t cheat. And even if we did, I’d never tell you” – Tommy Lasorda

Cheating and baseball go together like peanuts and Cracker Jack. Prime examples include Shoeless Joe Jackson and the Black Sox gambling scandal, Albert Belle and his corked bats, stealing signals on the base paths and Greenies being served in clubhouses during the ’70s.  Of all the major sports, baseball has easily the longest rap sheet when it comes to documented cases of outright cheating. What makes steroids so much worse than these earlier cases? I have never heard of anyone calling for asterisks besides all the ball players who played during the ‘70s.

While these examples aren’t littered with players who are in the Hall of Fame, there is another cheating aspect of baseball that is full of Hall of Famer’s. It’s pitchers who doctor the ball. All-time greats such as Gaylord Perry, Whitey Ford, Phil Niekro and Don Sutton were notorious ball doctors, using everything from Vaseline to emery boards to spit in order to get extra movement on their pitches and give them a large advantage over opposing batters. They are all in the Hall of Fame, with no one threatening to go Soviet on them and remove them from the record books. Again, a double standard appears to be in place.

I’m not attempting to absolve the baseball players who broke the rules. They knew what they were doing was wrong and they did it anyway. As far as role models go, Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens shouldn’t rank high on anyone’s list. But to single them out like lepers and call for their records to be stricken from the books is incredibly narrow-minded and downright stupid.

Agree/Disagree? Let me know in the comments.

And do I get extra credit for writing an entire steroid article without mentioning Jose Canseco?